please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
