i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
