Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
