she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He shit in the fireplace
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize