is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
