Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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