my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
