What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
