Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I did not marry a roomba.
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