My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
