I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
