using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
