These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Is it because I queefed?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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