my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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