disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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