I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
