An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
