my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
