Already got asked if we're dating
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
