Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize