a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
me + whiskey = a bad person
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
