Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
