What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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