last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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