i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize