I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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