I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
