Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
