Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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