I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
