if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
