Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
