mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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