I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
