I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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