My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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