You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
