Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
