I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
