I got chris browned last night
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
