I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
