So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
