there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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