dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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