i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
my liver is dry heaving
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
