I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
