Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
