rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
