You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
