I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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