Where are you?
In a non slutty way
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
