her vagina looked like bernie madoff
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
