I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
