I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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