my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
