She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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